It's 11 days until my twentieth birthday. June 29th I'll officially be two decades old. And I am unhappy, and have been for quite some time. And I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for someone or something to help me. I'm sick of watching the world pass me by and having my insecurities, fears, and anxiety hold be back. I'm sick of being average. And yes, I realize how grossly cliche I sound right now but, I can't help it. And please understand, this is not meant to be some sort of pity party or anything pathetically dramatic like that. I simply wish to share with others what will hopefully be my complete mental, physical, and emotional transformation over these next few years. Hopefully I'll be understood. Hopefully people can relate. But more so, hopefully I'll inspire other unhappy, or otherwise, people to venture out and do what they need to do to better their own lives.
So now what?
Well, I suppose in order to begin my journey I should asses where I'm currently at.
Making a list of everything I dislike about myself sounds rather depressing and extremely self-loathing, I know. But I think it's important that in order to fix my faults I first need to acknowledge them.
Feel free to skip ahead. This isn't going to be pretty. Lol.
Let's start with the easiest one shall we?
What I'd like to change about myself physically:
- My weight.
- My eating habits.
- My exercise routine.
- To stop drinking and smoking.
- My sleep schedule.
- My skin, hair, and fingernail conditions.
- My teeth.
- My eyes.
- My menstrual cycle.
- My asthma.
The goal: By June of next year I'd like to have lost at least 50lbs if not more and then re-evaluate and set my goals for the year after that.
2. The problem: Pizza, chips, soda, candy, pasta, burgers, fries. If it's junk food, I love it. And I binge on it. I eat even when I'm not hungry, usually when I'm bored, and especially when I'm upset. I don't eat a lot of fruit and rarely any vegetables and I don't consume nearly enough water.
The goal: I'd like to follow the recommended menu plan suggested for me based on my height, weight, B.M.I., and amount of daily exercise provided by http://www.mypyramidtracker.gov/planner/.
3. The problem: Easy, I don't exercise. At all. I often get fatigued quickly by walking short distances and I can't run more then a block before becoming completely out of breath.
The goal: By June of next year I'd like to be able to run at least a mile, if not more, with ease, be able to do 50+ crunches; push-ups; pull-ups; and curls, I'd like to be able to lift 30lb+ weights and be able to bench 90lb+. I would also like to be fit enough to try out for the Bellingham Roller Betties roller derby team and start participating in inter mural sports.
4. The problem: I can drink excess (and when I say excess I mean half a bottle of Bacardi 151 or 14+ beers) without getting sick or blacking out and if I'm drinking I can easily go through about two packs of cigarettes a night and over a half a pack a day when I'm sober. There is a long, strong line of alcoholism in my family and if I don't stop soon then I know that I WILL end up an alcoholic.
The goal: The day after my 20th birthday I plan on quitting cold turkey forever. I've done it before, going 6 months without smoking and 4 months without drinking, so I know I can do it. It's just a matter of staying strong and not giving in to peer pressure.
5. The problem: I don't have a regular sleep schedule. I will often stay up for 24+ hours, then sleep 12+, stay up again all night, sleep for 5, stay up for 12, etc. until I'm able to sleep and wake at decent hours. But it never lasts long before I'm sleeping and waking different hours each day again. I know it's not healthy and it makes me drained and irritable all the time. Plus I end up missing out on a lot of things.
The goal: To be able to get to sleep between 9-11 P.M. and be able to wake up between 5-7 A.M. feeling well rested and having lots of energy.
6. The problem: My hair is very long but has not been cut or even trimmed in about five years. So as you can imagine, I have horrible split ends. Also, my hair is naturally curly so it's extremely frizzy because it's not healthy. And lately I've noticed that it's becoming thinner most likely due to an unhealthy diet and stress. My skin, surprisingly enough, has never had bad acne but I have a lot of blackheads that I can't seem to get rid of. And my nails are fine for the most part except for the fact that when I let them grow out they curl at the corners.
The goal: I'd like to get skinny enough to be able to sport a shorter hair cut and have it be dyed back to blond. (Think Meg Ryan mid-90's) I'd like for it to be think, soft, shiny, and healthy again. As for my skin, I'd like to eliminate my blackheads and keep my skin soft and blemish free. And when it comes to my nails, I'm not sure if there's anything I can really do but I plan on researching it more. I don't want fake nails and I don't want super long nails but I'd like them to look more feminine.
7. The problem: My teeth have always been horrible due simply to genetics. Both my mother and father have horrible teeth also. But I've let them go over the years and smoking, drinking, and doing drugs has made them even more worse. They're yellow, crooked, and I know I have cavities. Also, I had a root canal a few years back and only got a semi-permanent filling that has worn almost completely away over the years that desperately needs to be fixed.
The goal: To start taking better care of my teeth and start brushing and flossing at least three times a day as recommended. I'd also like to get braces before I get too much older, get my cavities and root canal fixed, and afterwards get the whole lot whitened.
8. The problem: I have pretty bad vision including astigmatism in one of my eyes. I haven't had an eye exam in about 5 years and I've had my glasses for the same time. Suffice to say, my vision has changed and worsened since then and I desperately need new glasses as these ones are not only giving me a head ache because they are no longer the right prescription, but they have been broken for the past 3 years. And when I say broken I mean scratched lenses, bent frame, missing ear cushions, and being taped AND sewn together. Yea, pretty ghetto. Lol.
The goal: To have an eye exam and get a new pair of glasses and possibly some contacts.
9. The problem: Ok, don't worry, I promise I won't gross you out and I'll keep it short. Lol. But I've always had an irregular period, going four weeks instead of three, but lately I've missed a few altogether and when I do have them, they're pretty light, but I spot for a long time before and afterwards.
The goal: To find a gynecologist and find out if it's doing this because of poor health and stress/depression or if it's more serious.
10. The problem: I have exercise induced asthma that's been worsened by my smoking and I'm not taking any medication for it.
The solution: I'd like to finally get an inhaler and be able to start exercising without worrying about dying. Lol.
Ok, so, that's a pretty good start right?
Well, I'm tired of writing and I'm sure you're tired of reading about my problems so I'll call it quits for today.
If you have read this, then I sincerely appreciate it. And any advice or support would be warmly welcomed and even more appreciated!
I'd like to try and post daily along with weekly or monthly pictures of my progress. So stick around, follow, and check back tomorrow if you want to hear more about my problems. Lol.
Peace!
-Kelcie
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