It's funny the way life works. For me at least, things never turn out the way I want them too. No matter how hard I try to will it. And it's not always a bad thing but a lot of the time it's frustrating, and exhausting. I spend all this time planing and organizing and trying to stay focused and for what? What's the point? Why put all my time and energy into going one direction just to have it all collapse into another? Well after years of trying to force fate in my favor I finally got fed up with doing all this work and never getting what I wanted. So I quit. I gave up. I stopped doing...well, everything really. I stopped planning and going and doing. I thought that it was pointless doing anything since fate was going to drag me wherever it wanted anyways. But over this past year I've noticed that my momentum has been slowly decreasing and I've finally come to a stand still on one of fates many paths. Stranded, like a car with a flat, as life rushes past me. Opportunities, relationships, adventure, all flowing right past me, unable to stop and help, like some kind of proverbial raging river. In short, because I stopped putting effort into my life I've ceased to move forward on any path at all. And I've just come to realize that. My life sucks because I'm not doing enough. I'm not pushing hard enough, or running fast enough, and I've become so comfortable on my little spot on the shoulder of the road that I've become to afraid to make the merge back into the fast lane. Sometimes I wish that someone would help me out, give me a running start. But then sometimes I think that because I got myself into this predicament that I should have to get myself out. Either way, I'm done waiting for someone to pull over and help, I've just got to take a deep breath and gun it. Ya know? And I think that I've been too concerned with the wrong issues. I think I need to reorganize my priorities. I always thought that once I loose weight and become more healthy then things would start falling in place. But now I'm starting to realize that what's more important right now is to get my self-confidence back by getting a job and some new friends that already accept me for who I am. I'm the type of person that needs to be needed. I need to be helpful. I need that positive energy you get from people after you've helped them out. And not in a kiss ass sort of way but, I need to feel useful, like I'm contributing to life. Hmm, now I'm just rambling. I apologize. I'm too tired to continue for tonight but I've put my brain into first gear. And that's a great start. Again, I apologize for the lack of paragraphs and the completely lame metaphors and what not but my brain is a little frazzled tonight. Lol. But I'll be blogging again tomorrow!
Peace!
Kelcie
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